I am often asked about how to be happy alone. Especially these days where many feel more isolated than ever before, I thought it would be a good share for this week's post.
This week's post. Ha ha! Get it
How to be Happy Alone
I am on my own more than 90% of the time and I love it. I even love being on my own for the big days like Christmas and my birthday and have some treasured memories of celebrating by myself. As far as I can remember, I have always been like that. Although I am also capable of being in social situations and genuinely enjoy them, they do feel draining after a while and I am always glad to come back to solitude—I thrive on alone time and work well alone. Maybe my experience can contribute to those who might not find it so easy.
Permission to Be
One of the best aspects of being alone is that we get to know ourselves so well and can really meet ourselves in a supportive way. From the kindest, most altruistic and wisest people I know, I have learned that the secret to a beautiful, meaningful and beneficial life is to be “ridiculously kind to ourselves.” Since I have first heard that, I have been practicing being kinder to myself, and it really makes life easier and richer. I find that being alone is a great opportunity for this practice. I rarely give myself a hard time, even when I disappoint myself, even when I don’t meet my standards or expectations, even when the day is a complete struggle filled with worry and pain. Being hard on myself would just add another layer of difficulty, and I am dedicated to making things as easy and focused as possible.
When alone we can’t hide from ourselves for very long. Distractions can only take us so far before we are faced with who we really are, and that is such a golden opportunity. We become our very own best friend, the one that knows us inside out and is always here for us with an open heart. That never, ever means that we don’t care about others, or that we are selfish and self-centered. On the contrary, I genuinely see it as the best recipe to be a truly caring, open-hearted person who does not let fear, judgement and misunderstandings get in the way of supportive relationships. True kindness to ourselves always translates into true kindness towards others.
When the Day is Tough
Before I write about the fun side of being alone, let’s give some space to coping alone with the inevitably hard days. Holding my own hand through a difficult day is one of my superpowers. I have many, many difficult days where I don’t function well, am physically unable to do anything, and where the pain levels affect my brain chemistry, making me feel very depressed and anxious on top of the physical hurdles. At the same time, while these emotions and sensations are unfurling and might feel compelling, I also have a deeper self who knows this will pass and I can just be patient and gently hold the space for myself. That might be the perfect time to use discerning distractions. Anything that is gentle and uplifting can help, like enjoying a nice story, or whatever makes the day a bit easier and more comfortable. Full permission to have a rubbish day and no need to judge our experience, in the firm assurance that we will sail through it, though the waves can be rocky.
Other days can be so very hard that all I can do is lie or sit in indescribable pain and discomfort—no distraction possible. On those days I focus on doing just two things: keeping myself calm and comfortable. Above all, I make sure that I keep my mind very focused on making the day as easy as possible: no major decisions, no appointments, no dialogue with self about how difficult it all is and about everything I think needs to change. Me, myself and I get together as a winning team to make sure I get through with no drama and with total care. Whether the pain is physical or emotional, gentleness and patience is everything.
Asking for Help
Being happy alone never excludes needing help; on the contrary, because we live alone we might need more help than those who live with someone. That's ok and completely acceptable. There is never a need to struggle through anything on our own. When we empower ourselves to reach out, we might be surprised to see that many people are delighted to help. Being open about our needs and struggles may feel vulnerable, but it is not attention-seeking: it is mature and caring to know ourselves so well, and to respect ourselves so much, that we know when to ask for help. We just need to make sure we select the right person. Some will not be available, some will not be open, will misunderstand us or will simply not care. Choosing a network of people who are reliable and understanding is always helpful.
Learning Something New
Creating new neuropathways by learning new skills really sharpens the mind and can make alone time fly past. I remember many years ago when I felt brokenhearted and learned to kayak. For the whole of that day, I never once thought about my troubles because I was too busy focusing on not capsizing! That day it was revealed to me how learning something new is an incredible resource for being alone on sad or tough days. I love learning new embroidery stitches and it can absorb me for hours. In fact I love it so much I never wait to be sad or anxious to pick up my threads. Time really flies past agreeably when engaged in learning or creating.
Enjoying Self-Care
Self-care can be a bit of a drag if we come at it with the wrong mindset. For me self-care is a necessity without which I would be bedbound every day, so I do try to keep it up just so I can have some quality of life. I think that spending more and more time alone in the last ten years has really supported me to find a self-care routine that helps me and which I enjoy. I rarely feel delirious about having to stretch, do my Buteyko breathing practice or keep a sensible diet, but I really love the results. Certain things can lift me beautifully through the heavy days, like washing my face with a warm face cloth, gently stretching and wrapping up in my favourite blanket with hot water bottles and a good story.
Lots of Solo Dates
I love having dates by myself, lighting a candle at dinner, eating slowly and enjoying the view or eating while I read a favourite book. Enjoying music by myself and really listening to it, savouring it like a wonderful golden liquid that nourishes the soul. I love playing the guitar and singing for myself, choosing all my favourite songs and playing some in a loop if I want to. I love having a movie date by myself, eating dates (ha!) and drinking the kombucha I make lovingly each week. I love having a candle-lit bath and getting an early night in a very cosy bed with my favourite books. Spending quality time alone is a real treasure.
Firing our Passions
Being alone frees up much time and space to really take our passions all the way and find some wonderful hobbies. We can learn so much thanks to the Internet. I started painting five years ago after doing an online course. That same year I taught myself to crochet with a Youtube video and have barely spent a day without crocheting since. Those started as hobbies and very quickly became passions which gave me an unexpected sense of fulfillment and purpose in life, and took me in a direction I had not foreseen.
Alone painting time unveils unending gems.
Ramping up our Hobbies
My favourite hobbies are plants, nutritious food and organising (my house, my computer, my days…) I also have a great interest in enhancing quality of life. To me those hobbies act as pillars to balancing my days in ways that are very simple, but very effective. Being on my own most of the time means I can really take it as far as I want to and make my own choices without getting on anyone's nerves: having many plants, eating what supports me best at a time that works best, and organising my space in a way that helps me function better.
Free to Pay Attention
I have always preferred being on my own when I am out of doors because I can be totally free to look at things for as long as I want to. I stop and start, daydream, speak with animals and observe them at my leisure, listen, dwell in the shelter of trees and zone out quite a bit, captivated by the charms of moss and tree bark. I am one of those people who finds it almost impossible to talk and do something else at the same time, as I give my full attention to whoever I am with.
That means that no matter how much I love people, I do find company quickly tiring. Being on my own is always a vital recharge where I can allow myself to fully relax and enjoy my surroundings in a way that is not available when I am with someone. I love noticing changes in nature, the phases of the moon, plants and trees growing, turning in colour, the surprise visits of many creatures... all this fuels my art and life in the most natural and joyful way, and that natural solitude in connection is essential to me.
Here I wish to add that it can be really fun and heartwarming to spend time outdoors with people, and I would never advocate complete isolation. I find that being outside with people allows me to see things they point out which I might not have noticed, and to hear their experience of enjoying nature, learn from their knowledge and learn together. It’s a beautiful way to have fun and get to know someone.
Staying Connected
Although I love being on my own and often find company tiring, I love people dearly and love being in touch with my friends. Being alone 100% of the time is unhealthy and depressing, and I never wish for that. Having meaningful conversations with people is a huge contribution to my quality of life and is really stimulating, heart-opening and supportive. Without that, I would quickly go insane and feel desperately isolated.
I am not always surrounded by friends physically, but over the years I have found ways to make it work so that I can have a social life that works within my circumstances and leaves me some energy to create and cope with daily life. One of the ways I love to stay connected is to send audio messages to my friends. I use the Voice Memos and Telegram apps on my phone and record away. It’s such a fun, dynamic, immediate and close way to be together, even though we might be thousands of miles apart. I also love to build gift boxes full of things I know my friends will love, made and gathered especially with them in mind.
For some of us, being alone feels a lot easier and a lot more natural than for others, and that is just the way it is. If being alone is difficult for you, don't beat yourself up: there are many people who find it a challenge. I hope this post will inspire you to try new things and make the most of it! I wish you much enjoyment!